Olesya AbramovaWhen “I’ll Handle It Myself” Stops Being Something to Be Proud Of

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Some women get so used to being strong that they stop noticing what that strength costs them.

They know how to decide, endure, provide, and control—how to pull themselves together fast after a blow and keep going. From the outside, it looks like character and independence. On the inside, it’s a state you can never relax out of: any loosening of control feels like danger.

Olesya is a trade marketer from Omsk, a city in western Siberia. She came to Clirium a few months ago, and the most important result, she says, isn’t an income figure—or even the project she’s working on.

The most important thing happened earlier: she began to tell the difference between where her strength truly shows up and where the familiar “I’ll handle it myself” was hiding an inability to trust, to accept help, and to hear what she wanted.

Today Olesya is creating a series of guides for women and a separate program for moms with kids. But the projects came later—after there was less guilt in her life, less fear of what other people think, and less need to prove anything.

Looking back, I can say with certainty that I’ve been on a long, hard road to finding myself, even though at the time I obviously didn’t put it that plainly. I carried a lot of beliefs handed to me by society about what a woman should be: how she should act, how much she should put up with and what she should be responsible for, when to keep quiet, when to pull herself together, and when to just do it herself. I thought far more often about other people and what would be right for them than I asked myself a simple question: What’s going on with me right now?

I’d gotten used to ignoring my feelings. I saw exhaustion as weakness, put my wishes on hold, and accepted constant tension and control as the natural background noise of adult life. At some point I was so used to living that way that I almost stopped noticing how much energy went into simply keeping myself and my life under control at all times.

I remember the day I felt especially clearly that I didn’t want to live the old way anymore. I was scrolling Instagram as if I were searching for something—maybe answers to my questions, maybe one more training that would finally help me get back to my true self. Now I see how symbolic that moment was: once again I was looking outside for what I needed to learn to recognize inside myself.

Back then, practically every area of my life was creaking. There was no single big catastrophe, but every morning I woke up feeling like I was standing still: no new people or events, no growth in income, and a nonstop mental blender in my head about the kind of woman I didn’t want to be. I came to Clirium with a very simple wish: I want a different life. I want to get myself back and finally start living my best life—not as a pretty theory, but for real. In that moment something inside me seemed to click, and I trusted my gut response.

A lot changed when I began studying my innate design and stopped constantly comparing myself to some imaginary “right” kind of woman. A huge part of my inner dialogue used to revolve around what was wrong with me and who I ought to be. Gradually the question began to shift, and instead of “What’s wrong with me?” I started asking myself: Who am I when I stop constantly correcting myself?

Along with that came acceptance. I don’t mean that now I don’t have to change anything and can declare whatever I do to be right—if anything, it’s the opposite. When you stop being at war with yourself, it’s much easier to see honestly where you actually want to change. I became more confident, started expressing my thoughts more freely, stopped depending so much on other people’s opinions and judging myself for my mistakes, and learned to look at my actions without the old familiar guilt. And what turned out to be very important for me was permission to be different things—not always strong, correct, and put-together.

My relationship with responsibility changed noticeably. It used to feel like the need to hold everything together; now it has much more to do with honesty. I stopped living on borrowed money, took responsibility for my life, and started making decisions with ease. And probably the most important thing I did for myself was to stop lying to myself.

When I’m facing a task, I don’t look for workarounds. I clearly and honestly figure out how to get it done, because it’s my responsibility.

That’s why today there’s more doing in my life than talking about doing. I’m working on my own digital project, setting bold goals and going after them without waiting for some ideal state in which everything suddenly becomes easy. This is what growing up looks like for me right now: not to stop being afraid, but to stop endlessly putting my own life on hold because of fear.

If someone had told me a few years ago that one of my biggest achievements would be the ability to be weak, I probably wouldn’t have understood what they were talking about. For a very long time I was dominated by masculine energy—constant tension, control, and that very “I’ll handle it myself” mindset—and I mistook the habit of taking on more than I needed to for strength.

I see strength differently now. I love knowing that I can be tender, that I don’t have to carry everything alone, that I can ask for help and accept it, and that I don’t have to manage every little detail around me. And the most interesting part is that none of this has made me any less strong. On the contrary, the energy that used to go into constantly holding my life together has been freed up for life itself. My tension is gone, and I’ve realized that I can be tender, and soft, and at peace, and feminine—and that it feels absolutely delicious.

I love being a woman.

I’ve learned to trust life, myself, and my body, and that sense of inner support is what I’m truly proud of today.

These days I’m thinking about how to bring everything I’ve understood into my work. I’m creating a series of guides for women, because the themes of femininity, ease, and handling life’s circumstances without constant strain are close to my heart, and I want to make that path easier for others. Another direction that matters to me is about moms and kids: I want to help women plan their lives and motherhood in a way that leaves them resourced and balanced, with room not only for obligations but for the woman herself.

What I especially value is that these ideas didn’t come from a need to hurry up and invent yet another project. They came when I myself started living a little differently—when I found inner support and stopped constantly proving that I could. I began asking myself a different question: What from everything I’ve been through and learned could be useful to another woman? And I feel that I’m finally doing something that brings me joy and fills my life with meaning.

For me, there’s no final state in which I can say I’ve found myself and will never make another mistake. But I know for sure that I don’t want to go back to a life where I had to keep fighting for the right to be strong, and that it’s far more interesting to become a woman who no longer has anything to prove. As for the decision that changed my trajectory the most, I put it simply: nothing is impossible—what matters is the desire to be better than you were yesterday.

Meets Victory Naydenova.

Joins Clirium and begins studying her innate design.

Stops living on borrowed money and takes responsibility for her life.

Starts working on a digital project, a series of guides for women, and a program for moms with kids.

Strength that no longer has anything to prove.

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